Mental Health

When I had depression, one of my biggest challenges was that nobody could see it. It didn’t come with a cough or a fever. It couldn’t be found by a blood test or an xray…not even a cat scan. The pain that I had in my chest during a panic attack…the shortness of breath, the cold sweats… those symptoms were nowhere to be found when I was in the doctor’s office. Doctor after doctor said there’s nothing wrong with you.  

I thought, “What’s wrong with me?” It added to the pain that I was already in. I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 12 years old, but I think it started way before then. 

I remember my first panic attack, I was about 6 years old. I remember is so well because it was the day of my daddy’s funeral. He tragically died after a boxing match, of a brain aneurism. As a child I didn’t know how to express what I was feeling. As the family gathered for food & comfort, I grew short of breath, so I sat down. Looking for comfort, I grabbed a pillow & squeezed it tight. But before my eyes (in hallucination) the pillow began to pulsate & swell to a huge size. I was so afraid but not knowing what to say, I kept silent. 

I spent the first part of my life wandering “what’s wrong with me.” In my early adult years, I decided to break the silence. I looked for help, I walked into a student mental wellness center & opened up to a counselor. At 19, I was diagnosed with severe depression & anxiety disorder. The therapy sessions & medication were so helpful. I wasn’t for a moment afraid of the diagnosis, I already knew I was depressed. I was just happy that someone understood … I wasn’t “crazy”, there is something wrong with me & I want to make it right.  

Therapy & medication helped me tremendously. I was able to work through trauma from my childhood & live a productive life. But something was missing. I would hit cycles that would set me back. Therapy & medication helped me but they didn’t heal me.  

In the midst of a bad cycle, I was suicidal, off my meds & deeply depressed. I layed alone in my apartment when someone docked at my door. I opened the door to 3 men standing with bibles in their hands. They prayed with me & I received Jesus as my Lord & Savoir. From that day I’ve walked with Jesus into complete healing from depression.  

If you’re struggling with mental illness, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Don’t keep silent, tell someone & get help. Would you go see a doctor if you had a fever & were vomiting? The symptoms of mental illness are real & you can go to the doctor for it.  God can heal mental illness just like he can heal physical illness.  I have been free of depression for 20 years now. I believe if he did it for me, he’ll do it for you.